An Uber drives into a bar

by Matt Rudnitsky

I was taking an Uber to a place called Mr. Hot Dog in Prague, and as I forecasted farts, the driver pointed to the right as he waited to turn.

“Alcohol.”

I didn’t see a bar. There was an older woman smoking a cigarette. 50-ish blonde.

“ALCOHOL!”

He was smiling and pointing at this lady. Is this lady made of alcohol? I bet she’d be good with tonic. That doesn’t make sense.

“ALCOHOL!”

I hate when someone is trying to connect with you, yet you can’t understand. Smiling and nodding defeats the point of communication. And doesn’t work.

I smiled and nodded. He waved his hands, smiling, frustrated. “ALCOHOL! ALCOHOL!” He pointed and pointed at Czech Street Lady.

“ALCOHOL … IC!” The driver lost his shit, laughing.

I noticed the woman was stumbling. She did, I supposed, look like an alcoholic.

Ah, Driverbro Marek was trying to bond by making fun of this poor, possibly alcoholic woman! He was late-60s-ish.

Oh, post-communists.

I gave him five fake laughs. And five real stars.

I’m not sure what the point of this story is. Let old(er) people have their laughs.

At Passover dinner this year, my normally sweet Great Aunt and Uncle, 90-ish years old, surprised me.

Unprompted: “You know, this is the worst year to apply for college if you’re white.”

You know, this is the worst year to say dumb things if you’re a racist at Passover. Because now I have a blog.

Re: Decreased police presence in NYC, or something. “The minorities, that’s what they want. Their views are taking over.”

Like when that darn Jewish minority’s view of stopping genocide took over.

“WHO WAS THE FAGGOT IN THE FAMILY? THE FAGGOT! THE FAGGOT! YOU KNOW, THE FUCKING FAGGOT!”

I texted my sister and told her next year I’d have a girlfriend so I could swap with her boyfriend and we could proclaim, smiling, that we were both the faggots.

When the Trump praise started flowing, my Uncle, fuming, expressed the obvious fact that “BERNIE SANDERS IS MORE ANTI-SEMITIC THAN ADOLF HITLER!”

I love old people. Sometimes I will just let them be. Some opinions are best left alone. Arguing is futile.

You can’t teach an old Jewish dog he’s a minority too.

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